Alfred and I have been together for over 5 years now and we are married. Everything is going pretty well these days but it was not always like this. There was an instance in our relationship when we both thought it was over. We’d become so fed up with everything that we were on the verge of giving up.
I’ll never forget that day.
We’d just finished eating dinner at our favorite sushi restaurant and it was pouring rain. I, honestly, don’t remember what we were arguing about or what started the argument. All I know is that an argument occurred and it blew up into a monster of an experience. We sat in the car parked on the street and argued for about an hour. Eventually we drove home and, we arrived, we acted like nothing had happened.
That was part of the problem. For the duration of our relationship, we always brushed things off. We always told ourselves couples argue all the time and that it was normal. The problem with this is we used this excuse to justify our behavior. In a way we rationalized the unhealthy relationship habits we’d developed and it was eating away our relationship.
That night Alfred and I were laying in bed and I asked him what was wrong. I could tell he was still upset though he didn’t want to speak about it. I kind of pushed him into finally telling me. He told me he thought we should no longer be together because it just didn’t seem to be working.
That’s when he brought up my self-destructive behavior. It was like someone had slapped me across the face. I didn’t think he knew anything about my actions…but he did. It’s probably the most shame I’d ever felt at any given moment in my life. He wanted to end our relationship right then. He was fed up and tired.
But I asked him if he would be willing to see a professional with me. I don’t think he expected that to come out of my mouth and I could tell he was surprised. He agreed and we found a couple’s therapist. For many, many day and nights, I felt like the worst person on the planet. Alfred wouldn’t text me, call me, or even touch me. He’s hardly look at me or speak to me in person. It was awkward and traumatic as we lived in the same house together.
Through couples counseling, we began to mend our relationship. We began to trust each other again. We learned to communicate with one another and how to listen. I also went to my own personal psychologist during all of this and began to mend my own perspective of myself. I began to understand that I deserve to be loved and things don’t always have to go wrong. (I still go to my psychologist and I am still working on maintaining a positive attitude when it comes to life in general).
After many, many months of therapy, something happened. Alfred realized that two of his “friends” had manipulated him and our situation. These friends had perpetuated an attitude of resentment towards me. I was definitely responsible for a lot of things…but so was Alfred. Instead of being supportive friends, these individuals selfishly tried to create an outcome they desired mostly because they didn’t like me. When Alfred and I brought this up in counseling, it became very clear where we really lost our way. At some point, I felt Alfred no longer had my back as a result of his friend’s actions (and his).
When we realized and discussed this, I decided I would attempt to make amends with these individuals. I decided that because Alfred still wanted to have a friendship with them and I thought I should be supportive.
The individuals weren’t very open to my apology and treated me terribly. Alfred saw this and recognized it for what it actually was. He realized these were the people trying to destroy our relationship and he immediately stood up for me.
That was the moment everything changed for us.
As you can see, we are doing pretty well. We married each other and are very happy.
If you are going through a rough patch in your relationship, don’t give up. Sometimes it just takes a bit of work. Now, there are times when a relationship is just not meant to be. We came to terms at the very beginning of trying to mend things. We admitted to one another that we were would be open to the fact that our relationship might be irreparable. Fortunately, that did not turn out to be reality and here we are…chugging right along.